Costly Mistake

A few days ago I was walking through Divisoria, a dangerous area of Manila near Tondo. I was on my way to the bus station with my niece that morning, taking her to visit her mother in Pampanga, which is about 2 hours away from where we live. Although I knew that this area wasn't safe, I had no choice but to travel through there since it is located directly between my home and the bus station. Besides, I had made that trip many many times before, so I was used to going this way.

This day turned out to be one of the worst days of my life.

I was carrying my bag with one hand and texting on my cellphone with the other, walking down the street in the market with my niece, not paying much attention to our surroundings. All of the sudden, I felt someone grab me from behind. At first I thought it was just 1 of my friends playing around with me, until I heard him whisper in my ear "follow me and you won't get hurt." I could feel him pressing something that felt sharp into my back. I looked over at my niece and saw that there was another man holding her as well. I was VERY scared for our lives, so I did what he told me.

He took us off of the busy street and onto a side street which was less crowded. Normally there are people everywhere in Divisoria since it is a huge marketplace, buying and selling many different things, however, since it was still pretty early in the day there weren't many people around, and those who were there were too busy setting up their shops to notice what was happening to us. The man pushed me hard and I fell to the ground. He told me to give him my cellphone and I did. Then he grabbed my bag and started throwing things out, trying to find anything valuable. All I had was clothes and my wallet. He quickly found my wallet and took it, then the two men just ran away, leaving me and my 4-yo niece in the street. My niece is too young to realize what had just happened to us, but I just sat on the ground for several minutes in shock, tears running down my face. I was too scared to scream for help or to fight back. All I could think about was that I may never get to hold my son again. Although I was very upset about losing my wallet, which had almost 5 thousand pesos in it (nearly an entire months salary), and my cellphone, I was happy to be alive and that they didn't harm me or my niece. Lucky even. Material things are meaningless compared to our lives.

I know now that in the future no matter where I am, I will always make sure to be aware of my surroundings, no matter how familiar or comfortable I am with the area. It was a tough lesson for me to learn, but it made me realize how lucky we are in life to have our health and loved ones, and I am thankful for all of the blessings that I have, however small they may be.

Sadness.......

What is sadness to me?

There are a lot of things going on around me that make me sad.

Seeing my family struggle around me. Watching them suffer at times and not being able to do anything to help them. Knowing that my father works so very hard every day, and has so little to show for it, making barely enough to keep food on the plates. That really makes me sad.

Watching my 4-yo niece grow up without her mother around, and without her even knowing who her father is is sad for me. Sometimes she meets new people and thinks they are her father. I love me niece and am happy to take care of her, but little girls need to be with their moms, not only see them once every month or two.

As is normal I think, I can be saddened watching certain movies, listening to some types of music, watching tragic news, and of course, seeing loved-ones die or dying. Also, when I see someone else who is sad or hurt, I am sad with them. Empathy!

It really bothers me when people around me avoid me when they have a problem with me. I wish they would just confront me with the problems instead of completely avoiding me and not talking about what is bothering them.

While I am happy for those who are more fortunate than me in life, it also saddens me, naturally, to see them enjoying life so much, having so much fun, doing so many different things, while I am busy learning how to be a responsible adult for my family and son. I am still young, so of course I want to be out having fun as well sometimes.

But the thing that really makes me the saddest, the thing that I can't seem to forget, is my recent past, from around the time I got pregnant. The mistakes I have made, the mistakes my ex-bf made, and the effect that has had on our son. I always wonder "what if" ... "what if" I didn't do "this", or "what if" he didn't do "that". Would we still be together? Would we be a happy family with our son? As every girl needs her mother, I feel it goes the same way in that every boy needs his father. And while I am very thankful that my son knows who is father is and his father continues to be a part of his life, I can't help but be sad that we are not a complete family. That is what my greatest sadness is.

Happiness.......

What is happiness to me?

For me, happiness comes from many different things.

My family! How loving and caring they are towards me. How they are so understanding of anything I do, how they always want the best for me, even if it means they have to sacrifice something themselves. They are always there for me, from the best of times, to the worst of times, and for that I love them with all my heart.

Being able to help fix our little house into a nice home makes me happy. Finally having our OWN bathroom and not having to use the neighbors makes me happy. Just seeing how happy my mother and father were with the finished home, the smile on their faces is something I will never forget.

Simple things make me happy as well. Like cooking for my friends and family and HOPING they will enjoy it. Playing my guitar. Drinking with my friends and singing karaoke with them. A smile from a stranger or just a friendly person saying "hi, how are you today?"

Like most people, I love funny things. From movies, to silly animals, to comedians.

While going out and enjoying a nice sunny day is always fun, sometimes a rainy day can be calming and relaxing as well. laying on my bed and listening to the rain can make me happy and give me inner peace.

NOT fighting with my friends, family, and especially my ex-bf makes me happy.

Having an idea that I want to pursue and then doing it MY way and having it work out for the best is very self-gratifying and makes me happy.

Love....remembering all of the good times and fun I had with my ex-bf CAN make me happy, but it can also make me sad......

However, out of all of the many things that can make me happy, 1st and foremost is my son, Andre. All it takes is a little smile from him and my heart melts. There is no greater sound to me than hearing his laughter, watching him play, being a "crazy little man", it is so adorable! Seeing him learn new things such as new words, or how to drink from a glass on his own, or put on shoes by himself, just watching him grow bigger and stronger everyday is what happiness is all about. knowing that he is happy and healthy makes everything worthwhile. But out of all of the things about him that make me happy, the 1 thing that really gets me the most is when I am sitting down feeling sad, and he walks over to me and gives me a big hug and a kiss. This is a feeling that only a parent really knows. That is what happiness truly is.

Dark Night, Bright Future

Dec 31st was a day filled with joy for me and my family, one that we will never forget.

I live in a tiny home with my parents, son, and niece. Up until a week ago, it was just 1 big room. This room was everything for us. It's where we slept, where we cooked and ate, did our laundry, where we spent our time talking and spent our time together. No walls, no curtains, no privacy! We didn't even have a bathroom, so we would have to ask our neighbors anytime we needed to. It was like this for months. Then, with a little bit of luck and some hard work, we finally had saved enough money to make some changes to our home. We were able to put up some walls and make 2 small bedrooms next to the living room/kitchen, and we are currently having a bathroom installed. Now we are happy with our little house. Thankfully we were able to finish most by the holidays, as that was my only xmas wish for my family.

On New Year's Eve morning, my sister came early to help us cook and prepare our small celebration. My 2nd brother also came to help. We made pancit, fried chicken, menudo, deviled eggs, and a few other filipino dishes. Later in the day, my son's father came to celebrate with us, and also a few of our friends from our old neighborhood. We ate, drank, played with the kids, sang karaoke, and really enjoyed being as a family all day into the night. When New Year came, we wished each other a happy new year, and continued to celebrate for a while ... but around 12:30am, we had what we thought was a brownout. We lost power, so the party was pretty much over since we couldn't sing anymore and had no lights. Our friends went home, and the family went to sleep.

In the morning, power was still off. We thought that maybe somebody had cut a wire with fireworks or something, but we were unsure, and this was the 1st brownout we had experienced since moving to this home months ago. We didn't let it ruin our day though, as some of our friends came back over to keep celebrating the holiday. Then, we had our biggest surprise of all ... into our house walked my oldest brother, whom we had not seen or heard from in over 3 years! It was almost like a christmas miracle to see him again after all of this time! We all cried with joy, and were so happy with what the new year had brought to us.

We later learned that it was not a brownout that night: it was our envious neighbors who cut our power. You see, in the place where we live, there are not many homes that have their own source of electricity. You must borrow from neighbors and use their power lines, and pay them more than double to use it. The neighbor we borrow from had become envious about our small blessings. Our fixed house, our family and friends party we had for New Year, and the new bathroom we have started building. It was all too much for them. They are not happy with their situation, so they didn't like to see us so happy for once. So they cut our power, trying to bring our cheer down.

But through all of our trials, we have learned to be strong. Yes, having no power has affected us, of course. But we still have family and friends. We have my brother back. We have our health. And all of these things are more blessings than our neighbor or anybody else can take from us. Yes it is hard, no power for 3 days now, but soon we will have power again from our other neighbor. And no matter what happens, we will always have each other and our love. So, yes, we may have had some dark nights, and I know there may be many more to come. But we are fighting through it and will continue to fight, and now, more than ever, we KNOW that our future is bright!

Happy holidays to all, I hope you have a wonderful, blessed 2011!!