Only Hope...

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Dark Night, Bright Future

Dec 31st was a day filled with joy for me and my family, one that we will never forget.

I live in a tiny home with my parents, son, and niece. Up until a week ago, it was just 1 big room. This room was everything for us. its where we slept, where we cooked and ate, did our laundry, where we spent our time talking and spent our time together. no walls, no curtains, no privacy. we didnt even have a bathroom, so we would have to ask our neighbors anytime we needed to. it was like this for months. then with a little bit of luck and some hard work, we finally had saved enough money to make some changes to our home. we were able to put up some walls and make 2 small bedrooms next to the living room/kitchen, and we are currently having a bathroom installed. now we are happy with our lil house. thankfully we were able to finish most by the holidays, as that was my only xmas wish for my family.

on new year's eve morning, my sister came early to help us cook and prepare our small celebration. my 2nd brother also came to help. we made pancit, fried chicken, menudo, deviled eggs, and a few other filipino dishes. Later in the day, my son's father came to celebrate with us. and also a few of our friends from our old neighborhood. we ate, drank, played with the kids, sang kareoke, and really enjoyed being as a familily all day into the night. when new years came, we wished each other a happy new year, and continued to celebrate for awhile.....but around 1230am, we had what we thought was a brownout. we lost power, so the party was pretty much over since we couldnt sing anymore and had no lights. our friends went home, and the family went to sleep.

in the morning, power was still off. we thought that maybe somebody had cut a wire with fireworks or something, but we were unsure, and this was the 1st brownout we had experienced since moving to this home months ago. we didnt let it ruin our day though, as some of our friends came back over to keep celebrating the holiday. then, we had our biggest surprise of all....into our house walked my oldest brother, whom we had not seen or heard from in over 3 years! it was almost like a christmas miracle to see him again after all of this time! we all cried with joy, and were so happy with what the new year had brought to us.

we later learned that it was not a brownout that night, it was our envious neighbors who cut our power. you see, in the place where we live, there are not many homes who have their own source of electricity. you must borrow from neighbors and use their power lines, and pay them more than double to use it. the neighbor we borrow from had become envious about our small blessings. our fixed house, our family and friends party we had for new years, and the new bathroom we have started building. it was all too much for them. they are not happy with their situation, so they didnt like to see us so happy for once. so they cut our power, trying to bring our cheer down.

but through all of our trials, we have learned to be strong. yes, having no power has affected us, of course. but we still have family and friends. we have my brother back. we have our health. and all of these things are more blessings than our neighbor or anybody else can take from us. yes it is hard, no power 3 days now, but soon we will have power again from our other neighbor. and no matter what happens, we will always have each other and our love. so yes, we may have had some dark nights, and i know there may be many more to come. but we are fyting through it and will continue to fight, and now, more than ever, we KNOW that our future is bright!

Happy holidays to all, I hope you have a wonderful, blessed 2011!!

The bottom line is...

....ayaw na niya and you have to let go.

Minsan talaga may dadaan sa buhay natin para lang paiyakin tayo. Yung mga line na “i need space’, ‘its not you its me’, mga gasgas na linya yan ng mga lalaki. You should know how to read between the lines. Pag tanggap mo na hindi na ikaw ang source of happiness niya, mas madali na mag move on. Kaya kayo naguguluhan dahil di niyo pa kilala ang isa’t-isa. You haven’t adjusted yet. Kapag nag-aaway kayo huwag mong aasahan na sabihan ka niyan ng maganda. Syempre galit yan, kaya nakapagsalita siya ng masama. Kung hindi mo na kayang maging partner sa kanya, sabihin mo. Mas masakit kasi kung wala siyang makukuhang paliwanag mula sayo. Mahal mo pa siya pero ayaw mo na talaga. parang gutom ka, tapos may nakahain na adobo. ayaw mong kainin kasi sinigang gusto mo. Ganyan talaga pag nag-aaway, feeling mo ayaw mo na, suko ka na. Pero kapag nagbati na kayo, maiisip mo na lang na mas marami pala ang magagandang bagay sa relasyon niyo. If you’re going to leave someone, magpaalam kayo ng maayos. Pag sinabing “EX” issue palagi yan. Bago ka makinig sa iba, listen to your heart first. Kasi sa huli hindi naman sila ang magsa-suffer, ikaw. Pag nalilito ka kung sino sa dalawa ang mahal mo, isipin mo na lang kung sino sa dalawa ang matatanggap mo pag ngkasala sayo. Kahit anong alaga sa’yo ng partner mo, you will be hurt. emotionally attached ka e. Minsan kahit wala kang pagkukulang, iiwan ka parin ng partner mo. kahit nga sobra sobra na ang ibinigay mo. iiwanan ka parin. Mahal mo naman pala siya eh, wag mong iwan. Instead, tulungan mo siya na baguhin ang mga bagay na ayaw mo. Ang ugali ng lalaki, kung kailan malapit ka ng makarecover, dun siya magpaparamdam. Doon pumapasok ang role ng babae, ang umasa. Ang mga lalaki kaya nilang magsabi ng i love you ng harap-harapan. Pero duwag kapag magpapaalam na. Masakit man, kailangan mong sabihin ang mga dahilan mo. Huwag mo siyang pahulain. Huwag mo siyang hihiwalayan ng wala kang iiwan na dahilan sa kanya. Masakit man, kailangan mong sabihin ang mga dahilan mo. Kung mas pinaiiral mo ang pride at galit, mas umiikli ang life span ng isang relasyon. Pag nag mahal ka kahit na inaalagaan ka ng taong mahal mo. masasaktan at masasaktan ka. Yun ang tinatawag na package deal. Pag inisip mo ng inisip na walang matinong relasyon, hindi ka talaga mag kakaroon nyan. Walang mangyayari sa isang relasyon pag may kasamang pride. haiiissstt.. ^_-

"BROKENNESS"

So painful, have no idea what to say...

This is the worst kind of pain i have ever felt i tried to make way into his heart and stay there, i wish there were a happy ending like in the books you know where they die all cuddiling or in a titinic Rose like never let go.

I meet this gentelman on a website "facebook" i started talking to him getting to know each other month of november 2011, it feels good sharing my problem to him, until he started helping me, he have a good heart so wonderful and amazing, has flaws... i never thought that i was gonna be so in love with him . didn't think it was simple possible.

It was so hurt and one day i will finally let go, im going to cry yes..a lot. I wish he would tell me to shut up and kiss me coz all i want is to spend my life next to a man like him.

What i feel is real aint imagining, i feel in love WAY TOO IN LOVE its evolving, passionate love...But sometimes love isn't enough. I feel like i have fallen in love being too young, too little, too innocent. I give him my heart completly done all that i can, said what i feel. Im falling hard , laying in his arms, seing the way he look at me, hearing things he said to me..i can't help it.

Month of January i turned into a relationship with him every day we talk we sleep at the same time and waking up at same time tru yahoo messgenger and cam. Feb. the day we cant wait to come the day that he will get here in phillipines to see me, it was midnight, the best first night ever feels so good beautiful that obviously we are so in love to each other...

But the saddest and painful parts of relationship also comes, we have an arguiments, missunderstanding, we fights every lil thing's and i admit mostly is my faults, me of being jealousy and insecure the number one reason. Saddly he get tired and leave, he give up on me.

I have no choice but to accept his dicission to leave me, he wants me to let him go..yes i do tried to get him back, but i cant anymore...i can't won his heart anymore..i feel of giving up, but my heart don't want to let go yet..maybe one day. Im just hoping that he carry a lil part of me too now that we end up.

I still love him and want him back, i find myself thinking "why do we need to be reminded of this things? can't we just learn from them and be done with it? take comfort of the fact that we are all messed up.

For all the Gf's do what's best for your man, wherever they are happy or whatever makes them happy let them, don't be too selfish let them feel free coz loving someone is setting them free, letting them go. that's the only way to keep them coz love will never be enough to make them stay.

Why I am hurting this much??

It was really never intention of falling into a situation which I know that I will be the one who will suffer, things just turned my emotion into a unexplainable feeling. i hate myself for letting myself fall for him because it is impossible that me and him will have a chance,(coz of some reason we can't be..)I made a BIG mistake coz of how i feel for him, his ideal man so perfect I loved every short moments I am with him,I know that’s love because everytime I dated someone new, i feel wrong. i am terribly hurting, I'm turning 23 this year and i find myself one night asking if what is the problem within me?? There is a few who tried but i keep rejecting people who want's to love me. I'm crying because all i want is someone who is willing to love me for what i am. i want to feel the feeling of being loved and taken cared by the one you love the most.

I used to think that we all make our own pathways in life, what brings happinness and sadness to our lives. I meet him again recently after 4 years , I started believing in destiny..Things happens for a reason..I cannot figure out the reason yet.

What hurts the most is that we both know what we want and how much we want it, we cannot have it.